Top 50 things to improve relationships

Well, inspired by all the year end lists - and Brad Felds wonderful End of year Spouse questions...

I've decided to post the Top 50 Things to improve relationships...

1. Communication is the foundation of a solid relationship - that requires dialogue
2. Listen more
3. Listen more closely
4. Go out of your way to do something nice for the other person on a regular basis
5. Recognize that everyone has hardships that they're dealing with
6. Get to know yourself - you can't make others happy if you're not happy
7. Find out what makes you really happy - and make sure that it really does
8. Take an interest in their interests
9. Smile more
10. Laugh more
11. Don't wait for a special occasion to do something nice for somone
12. Don't always use the same means to surprise someone - break up the routine! If you always send someone a card, send them flowers, then candy, then a book...
13. Ask them how their day is/was - and really listen to what they say
14. Be willing to try something new
15. Be willing to do something you don't want to do
16. Live in the moment - be aware of what is going on
17. When you come across something cool, stop and think about who else might appreciate it
18. Ask them what their greatest accomplishment in life is
19. Ask them if there is anything that they would like to try or do, but haven't done yet
20. Ask them what the biggest source of pain or discomfort in life is
21. The hardest thing in life is to walk a mile in someone elses shoes - but it is also the most worthwhile. Try it.
22. Don't talk about yourself all the time - NO ONE wants to hear it
23. Don't complain - NO ONE wants to hear it
24. Do what you say you are going to do
25. Be on time, every time
26. CORROLARY: don't be late, it says: "I didn't care enough to plan to be on time"
27. Be willing to do anything - even the crappy stuff
28. Lend a hand - it helps more than a voice
29. Don't define your relationship by other things (kids, possessions, objects)
30. Live below your means - money is a crappy thing to argue about. You can awlays replace money, but replacing love/loyalty/trust is a much harder thing
31. Find out what is important to them and celebrate it
32. Recognize that people change: what is important to someone today, might not be important tomorrow, so always be on the lookout for what really matters to them
33. Go out of your way to do something nice
34. Never, ever lie
35. Never miss an opportunity to tell someone how important they are to you
36. If you're mad at someone, figure out if it is something they did, or if it is something inside you that is causing your anger
37. Find out what they expect from you
38. Tell them what you expect from them - and don't get upset if they aren't meeting your expectations if you haven't clearly communicated them
39. Make sure that your expectations are realistic. Truly realistic.
40. Be willing to do for them everything you ask of them
41. Consider how your actions effect them
42. Choose your words carefully when you're upset - you can never take them back
43. Debate is healthy - but recognize that as sure as you feel about something being right, they're just as convinced of the opposite
44. It really is a combination of the little things AND the big things
45. Find out what is TRULY important to them, and focus on that
46. Remember that relationships are like bank accounts, you're either making deposits or withdrawls
47. Recognize that sacrifice is not for the other, but rather sacrifice is for the unity of the relationship
48. There is no finish line, per-se. Relationships are journies that unfold in magnificent ways, if you allow them to
49. Listen twice as much as you talk (that is why we have two ears and one mouth, to remind us of that!)
50. Recognize the balance in the relationship - The chinese image of the TAO; yang & yin, light and dark - two halves make one whole: the more you take of the space, the less it leaves for the other.

Maybe I'll update this list, I'm sure I missed a TON.

What would you add to the list?

Comments

[Mike]

Jon,

How about "always express appreciation to the other person when THEY go out of their way to do something nice for you (even if it wasn't beneficial)"?

Mike

[Aleah]

I'd add

* Let some things slide, even if they are wrong - choose your battles.
* Spice things up just for fun, and completely out of the blue. That doesn't mean showing up at the door in plastic wrap, but don't be afraid to do something silly and wild
* Sometimes it is okay to be completely alone - you both need space on ocassion

Cheers!

[Bren]

Whoa! That's a good list, and impressive too! I think all I'd add would be to accept (embrace, even?) compromise. (kinda your #47, though)

[fouro]

Re: #29, Carpe comparis: Maintain your love for each other as the center of the family universe. Children learn balance and grow best orbiting you rather than vice versa. (Plastic wrap optional, but highly recommended as opportunity presents.)

[fouro]

Re: #29, Carpe comparis: Maintain your love for each other as the center of the family universe. Children learn balance and grow best orbiting you rather than vice versa. (Plastic wrap optional, but highly recommended as opportunity presents.)

[Chuck Conway]

Looks like Fouro was drinking a little when he posted his comment.. ;)

Great list Jon. I strive for your wisdom.

I really like this one: Lend a hand - it helps more than a voice

Chuck

[Jon Strande]

Wow, sorry it took me so long to comment on everyones great thoughts here... I had to run to the store and pick up some more plastic wrap... DOH!

Seriously, no wonder I like each of you so much, these are great thoughts.

Mike: yeah, when someone does something nice, it is far too easy to just accept it without expressing appreciation. I try to always thank people for even the smallest thing.

Aleah: plastic wrap, huh? Sweet! We'll have to chat offline about that one... LOL!! Seriously, I like all three but the one that is probably most commonly overlooked by most people is that being alone thing - I think some people can't handle it: they always need to be with someone else.

Bren: Compromise is SUPER important. It is something that I struggle with, along with most of the other items on the list. ;-)

Fouro: sage advice, and not just for kids. Everything should be secondary to the bond between the two.

Chuck: thank you! Not sure where the hand/voice one came from, but glad you liked it... and I don't know that you have much striving to do, most times I'm struggling to keep up with you!

Thank you all for the great comments - seriously!!

[fouro]

Hey Mike - Merry Christmas!

Not booze, Chuck. This saran wrap's hell to type through.

(Watch, I bet Typepad double posts my comment again...)

[fouro]

Hey Mike - Merry Christmas!

Not booze, Chuck. This saran wrap's hell to type through.

(Watch, I bet Typepad double posts my comment again...)

[fouro]

See!

[Aleah]

The power of suggestion...tee hee. Perhaps I work for the plastic wrap monolith...

[K. Todd Storch]

I'm late on commenting as well, but thank you and great job!

My addition, with a healthy does of experience (from the wrong side...):
- Don't try to fix the problem before you listen with both ears and your heart. The person talking to you might only want you to listen.

Thanks Jon!

Todd

[Jon Strande]

Todd, yeah, that is a great advice!! Sometimes just being there is all that matters.

Jon