The Really Bad Email... 5 Minute Improvement

I'm sure we all get email that, while legitimate, is just crappy. The solicitor just talks about themselves: "We", "Our", "I", etc. It's always focused on the company, a product, or some combination of those things.

"We have this thing and it can do all sorts of neat stuff...", blah, blah, blah...

I have one from a little over a year ago that I've held on to for some reason, because it was just so bad.

Dear NWLEAN members,

As the developers of AccuStudy time and work measurement software, we want to be a part of your lean manufacturing and process improvement efforts. Our focus is on providing you with state of the art tools and resources.

While time studies continue to be an important part of process evaluation, traditional approaches using stopwatch and clipboard make the effort time consuming and tedious. If you have a moment to visit our web site at www.intervalsystems.com, we believe you’ll agree that AccuStudy is a fundamental advancement in process evaluation --- allowing you to receive accurate and compelling real-time data on process bottlenecks, non-value activity, and potential process improvements.

We’ve built AccuStudy with a very intuitive approach to data collection, using a hand held computer containing hundreds of icons representing manufacturing and assembly tasks. We’ve combined this icon approach to data collection with a powerful set of PC based analytic tools. After uploading the hand-held computer data to a desktop or notebook PC, you can choose from a set of predefined reports or export the data to Excel for further analysis. The learning curve for the entire product is a matter of minutes.

From our home page you can download a set of free product demonstrations . We hope you’ll take a moment to look us over.

Thanks for letting us interrupt your day with this note and we wish you the best for 2004.

This seems like a great tool, but I wonder what the yeild was from this type of email?

I decided to take 5 minutes to see if I could improve it... here you go:

Introducing a free how-to guide: "The Lean Managers Guide to Using Time & Work Measurement Studies to Improve Performance"

• Are you concerned about Process Bottlenecks?
• Would you like to improve your process performance?
• Would you like to know if your employees are spending too much time on non-value added activities?

If so, download the new whitepaper: "The Lean Managers Guide to Using Time & Work Measurement Studies to Improve Performance"

You'll discover:

• Why Stopwatch & Clipboard Efforts yield less than optimum results


• 3 key steps to collecting the right data to improve performance


• And so much more...

Don't let another minute of less than optimum perfomance go by: Download your free copy today!

Not great. But the same basic text... AND nothing about the company or the product, which people don't care about anyway... I'd be willing to bet that if they can give something away for free - add a little value to peoples lives - they'd have a much easier time getting people to look at their software.

This is just one example - I get stuff like this all the time, as I'm sure you do. People sending emails talking about the offering (book, software, service) they have, and how I should really look at it. Stupid. Most of these end up in the trash pretty quickly.

Companies forget that there is a recipient of the message they're sending - and that person cares far more about themselves than they do about you or your product.

Ha! I guess it all goes back to the "What's in it for me" question, huh? Not a bad filter to apply to messages before they're sent out - these companies should ask if there is something in it for the recipient or not.

So, do you have examples like this? Good emails? Bad emails? Have you ever sent one back to the sender - with a suggestion on how to improve it?

Comments

[Chuck Conway]

The book "How to Influence People and Win Friends" is about this idea.

Talk in terms of the others person's interests. I wrote a post a little while back.

I liking strawberries. I wouldn't go fishing and expect to catch a whopper with a big plump red strawberry. Instead I use what the fish likes to get what I want.

How to Influence people and Win Friends

[Jon Strande]

Chuck, yeah - I love that example. Just cause I like strawberries doesn't mean anyone else does. The golden rule says that we should do unto others as you would have them do unto do you... I much prefer the version that says: don't do unto others as you would have them do unto you, their tastes might not be the same.

[E.K.]

Jon,

I like to beat certain people about the head and neck areas with two acronyms: WIIFM and MMFI. If your sales materials, presentation, or general communication don't start off with, always focus on, and end with What's In It For Me and Make Me Feel Important, it's tune out time, baby!

I think you have a bright future in this customer-focus thing. You should write a book, or something like that!

[Michele Miller]

Great improvement, Jon! I always tell my clients, "If you do nothing else than begin to incorporate the word 'you' into your advertising, you'll achieve a new level of growth." A change in perspective makes all the difference.

[David St Lawrence]

John,

That was an inspiring example of looking at an email from a customer viewpoint.

I think I need to look at some of my promotional material and apply the same test.

Hope you get some time off the road or at least get a more leisurely schedule. Just reading about your recent trips turned on old pictures of countless hotel rooms, taxis and airports! and airplane seatbacks.... :)

[Jon Strande]

David, thank you and thank you! Yeah, I'm back home for a while but still pretty busy.